THE GOODBYE SERIES – S1E3 BOTH SIDES NOW

It’s been over a year and three months, and a year and two months since the disastrous attempt at getting over you that involved the comfort of another’s arms. I look at pictures of you – the ones I haven’t gathered the courage to delete, and the ones that your friends post of you on Facebook. I notice how your hairline is receding, and try to take some comfort in that; try to learn to be mean.
 
It’s not that I loved you, no. It’s that I took a chance on you, and I was wrong. Of course I am being ridiculous in mourning you for so long – we never could have worked out after all. But there is a pain that won’t go away despite the passing of time, and I can barely name it, define it, in order to heal from it. So I keep on having to redo saying goodbye.
 
So goodbye then.

THE GOODBYE SERIES – S1E2: WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DANCE

This is how you say goodbye: You stay on the phone with a German lady with an accent so deep you can barely make out what she is saying; all this while the GPS screams at you to turn left – which I never do. I get lost horribly and decide to give up on the sky bar work event. So I drive to the beach, park my car there and take a nap.
I make some carrot juice when I get home and pour myself a glass of wine on top of that. I watch Miss Porter and gather the strength to delete your number; his too.
This monkey is a clown; I feel like being a clown for now.

Goodbye then, my darling

THE GOODBYE SERIES – S1E1: A CASE OF YOU

It’s raining cats and dogs tonight; so loud I am struggling to fall asleep.

Two glasses of red wine and my favourite movie later and I’ve got Joni Mitchell playing on repeat. I miss you, I realise yet again. I promised myself that I would be gentler on myself, more loving and accepting of my humanity and vulnerability; that I would be kinder to myself and allow my definition of compassion to include me. So I’m letting myself miss you; for as long as my heart needs to.

And I’m being honest by telling you, even when I don’t need to, because my sensibility needs it; this is life for me, this is living. Someday I’ll wake up and not need this, and that will be great. But for now here we are.

Have a fantastic weekend my darling…

Great Expectations

“Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!”
Charles Dickens

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You are more than a list of mistakes and if anyone tells you otherwise, let it be the last they make.

Iain Thomas