Courage, dear heart

This time last year, I was couped up in a Birmingham library preparing for one of the biggest battles of my life – passing the CT4 actuarial board exam that had held up my qualification by three years. I had never been so scared in life. During those days, nothing else mattered. Certainly not the thousands of Rands I was flushing down the drain with that trip.

This year began with me vowing to live my life to the max; chiefly because my heart had stopped beating the minute I got a call to say my guardian mother was in ICU and things weren’t looking good. I begged, I pleaded and I prayed for her to get well. But mostly I bargained. I bargained for her health in return for never taking a single day for granted. Every day I pray to measure up to that bargain.

I vowed to live my life with childish enthusiasm, to approach all that peaks my interest with foolish awe, and to never apologise for my dreams; no matter how ridiculous others may find them. Three months later and I am learning to protect my dreams. I have learned that others will make fun of you when what you aspire to be makes void their low opinion of you. I have learned that people need to hold on to their prejudices at all costs; no matter the evidence to the contrary. And I have learned that people will take offense at your unwillingness to believe or uphold their low expectations for your life. But most importantly, I have learned to bend with the wind. I have learned to survive. To do what is necessary to emerge from the other side still intact to continue pursuing the dream. I have learned that in order to win a war I must survive the battle; and that sometimes that will require surrendering.

I have learned that I am a lover, a hopeless romantic and a fool at heart! I have seen myself in action – ┬áthe situation is hopeless! I fell in love twice this year. No, three times! All in a space of two months… I’ve been rather busy. During the last week I have been asking myself if I would do anything differently given the outcome- utter heartbreak, just in case you were wondering! The truth is, when it hurts, I would have to say no. But when I think about it, really consider the risks I’ve taken and what that means for my life, I can’t see how I could wish for a different approach.

So, yes, I would do it all over again! All of it; but perhaps with a little more flair next time. Might as well go up in flames!!!



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