This is how you say goodbye: You stay on the phone with a German lady with an accent so deep you can barely make out what she is saying; all this while the GPS screams at you to turn left – which I never do. I get lost horribly and decide to give up on the sky bar work event. So I drive to the beach, park my car there and take a nap.
I make some carrot juice when I get home and pour myself a glass of wine on top of that. I watch Miss Porter and gather the strength to delete your number; his too.
This monkey is a clown; I feel like being a clown for now.
Goodbye then, my darling
It’s raining cats and dogs tonight; so loud I am struggling to fall asleep.
Two glasses of red wine and my favourite movie later and I’ve got Joni Mitchell playing on repeat. I miss you, I realise yet again. I promised myself that I would be gentler on myself, more loving and accepting of my humanity and vulnerability; that I would be kinder to myself and allow my definition of compassion to include me. So I’m letting myself miss you…; for as long as my heart needs to.
And I’m being honest by telling you, even when I don’t need to, because my sensibility needs it; this is life for me, this is living. Someday I’ll wake up and not need this, and that will be great. But for now here we are.
Have a fantastic weekend my darling…
This time last year, I was couped up in a Birmingham library preparing for one of the biggest battles of my life – passing the CT4 actuarial board exam that had held up my qualification by three years. I had never been so scared in life. During those days, nothing else mattered. Certainly not the thousands of Rands I was flushing down the drain with that trip.
This year began with me vowing to live my life to the max; chiefly because my heart had stopped beating the minute I got a call to say my guardian mother was in ICU and things weren’t looking good. I begged, I pleaded and I prayed for her to get well. But mostly I bargained. I bargained for her health in return for never taking a single day for granted. Every day I pray to measure up to that bargain.