This time last year, I was couped up in a Birmingham library preparing for one of the biggest battles of my life – passing the CT4 actuarial board exam that had held up my qualification by three years. I had never been so scared in life. During those days, nothing else mattered. Certainly not the thousands of Rands I was flushing down the drain with that trip.
This year began with me vowing to live my life to the max; chiefly because my heart had stopped beating the minute I got a call to say my guardian mother was in ICU and things weren’t looking good. I begged, I pleaded and I prayed for her to get well. But mostly I bargained. I bargained for her health in return for never taking a single day for granted. Every day I pray to measure up to that bargain.
Imagine reaching 30 and going “oh God, what am I doing?!”. Then imagine saying that to yourself over and over again for the next 10 months. What am I doing with my life?! Sweet Mary and the Orphans, shouldn’t I have this figured out by now? I mean you make plans right? You dream dreams, and you have moments where you flesh these little ideas out into what looks like solid game plans…But then you realise you haven’t the foggiest idea what to do, how to get there. Where is there exactly!?
Crickey, it has been rough! But I have realised one thing: I am alive. I have the gift of life still. And that, is stupendous. That is the beginning of everything. That is all I need. You see, we are all afraid I reckon; of coming off short, of not being good enough, of never achieving our highest ambitions and not knowing how to forgive ourselves for that. We are all blooming lost. And if truth be told, we probably always were. From when we were born.
I wake up everyday and vow to be a better human being than I was the day before.
I go to sleep every night with a recollection of all the things I will try to do better the next day.
I am a mess; and everyday I try to be better, to improve myself.
I am learning, I am living.
I outgrow the most most important people in my life.
The most important people in my life outgrow me.
I will cut myself off then; and in return some will cut me off.
This is alright. This is living.
I lie awake at 1am in the morning and attempt to soothe an emptiness I can’t define.
I must be up in 5 hours for work.
This is living, this is alright.
This is glorious, this is life! And I am living.
Love, peace, liberty
“Here we are. Where are we?”
After days spent in Siberia, I finally wrote the exam today. I was stupendously bad at it. I sucked. And if I could weep I would. But no, this is not the weeping kind of sorrow, this is the get you slow, plummet you into the depths of depression and leave you fighting for your life kind of sorrow. I am, crushed.
Official results only come out in 8 weeks. But really, I might as well mix myself a whiskey cocktail now and go searching for some good news in a bar. Any bar.
If I said a lot rode on this exam going well, I would be making an understatement. Qualifying by June 2015, attaining the CERA accreditation by December 2015, successful application into a world renowned MBA programme for enrollment in 2016….The list goes on; the plans go on.
So then, “here we are. Where are we?”