A decree

“Must you ruin everything?”

“Must you ruin everything?”

As if the world were new? As if it were the first morning? As if it were still dawn?

The truth, […], is that what has already been ruined, our founding disillusion, is our freedom.

Go to it

Go to it when the ground is soft. Let the sun find you already there and it will not be a match for you. But if it reaches the shamba before you – hm”

A grain of wheat; Ngugi wa Thiong’o

On qualifying as an actuary


And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

John Steinbeck, East of Eden


It’s been over a year and three months, and a year and two months since the disastrous attempt at getting over you that involved the comfort of another’s arms. I look at pictures of you – the ones I haven’t gathered the courage to delete, and the ones that your friends post of you on Facebook. I notice how your hairline is receding, and try to take some comfort in that; try to learn to be mean.
It’s not that I loved you, no. It’s that I took a chance on you, and I was wrong. Of course I am being ridiculous in mourning you for so long – we never could have worked out after all. But there is a pain that won’t go away despite the passing of time, and I can barely name it, define it, in order to heal from it. So I keep on having to redo saying goodbye.
So goodbye then.