Go to it

Go to it when the ground is soft. Let the sun find you already there and it will not be a match for you. But if it reaches the shamba before you – hm”

A grain of wheat; Ngugi wa Thiong’o

On qualifying as an actuary

Be

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

John Steinbeck, East of Eden

THE GOODBYE SERIES – S1E3 BOTH SIDES NOW

It’s been over a year and three months, and a year and two months since the disastrous attempt at getting over you that involved the comfort of another’s arms. I look at pictures of you – the ones I haven’t gathered the courage to delete, and the ones that your friends post of you on Facebook. I notice how your hairline is receding, and try to take some comfort in that; try to learn to be mean.
 
It’s not that I loved you, no. It’s that I took a chance on you, and I was wrong. Of course I am being ridiculous in mourning you for so long – we never could have worked out after all. But there is a pain that won’t go away despite the passing of time, and I can barely name it, define it, in order to heal from it. So I keep on having to redo saying goodbye.
 
So goodbye then.

THE GOODBYE SERIES – S1E2: WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DANCE

This is how you say goodbye: You stay on the phone with a German lady with an accent so deep you can barely make out what she is saying; all this while the GPS screams at you to turn left – which I never do. I get lost horribly and decide to give up on the sky bar work event. So I drive to the beach, park my car there and take a nap.
I make some carrot juice when I get home and pour myself a glass of wine on top of that. I watch Miss Porter and gather the strength to delete your number; his too.
This monkey is a clown; I feel like being a clown for now.

Goodbye then, my darling